In my last blog post I stated how confused and scared I was about my relationship. And some of you asked what did the Englishman say to make me feel this way. My apologies, I didn’t realize I left that out completely. A few weeks ago when we were celebrating my friends birthday he told me how he wasn’t sure I was the one. He was drunk as my friends were as well. He told me he loved me but I made him wait and gave him the runaround that he is being super cautious w/ me. I told him that night that I understood why he was maybe being cautious as for 8 months I did not give him any clear signals as to what I wanted, yet he stayed and waited. I came to my senses eventually in February and I asked him to officially be my guy.
Well, if you are anything like me then you run w/ it. And I did. We are happy and he shows me how much he loves day in and day out. But I ran w/ “I’m not sure you are the one”. I started to question if I should be slowing down. I started to think what if one day he bolts because of what he told me. He realizes that I am not the one. I spoke to him regarding my fears and he quickly told me to forget what he said that night. He reminded me he was drunk and what he was saying was his fear of me bolting since I gave him the runaround for so many months before I made up my mind. He told me he has never loved anyone as much as he loves me which is very reassuring. He is taking me to Europe to meet his family and friends. he told me that shows me that he is all in. But he did say he is more reserved w/ me than in his last relationships because I was so difficult in the beginning.
He told me if he wasn’t happy w/ me then he wouldn’t have my coffee ready for me in the mornings when we stay together or cook me dinner while I sleep on the sofa (I need to change this). He also asked me to consider moving in w/ him when our leases for our current apartments are up. I guess he has addressed my fears.
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I sometimes feel my Englishman is “the one” but then he says things that make me think maybe I should slow down. He treats me like a queen and I adore him for that. But I think I’ve fallen way too fast. He is being cautious w/ me maybe I don’t know. Especially since I gave him the runaround in the beginning.
Before him I wouldn’t let myself feel more than the minimal most of the time. And I did that w/ him in the beginning. Now I feel I am way over my head. So like him I too need to be cautious. He told me something when he was drunk a few weeks ago that made me start to question the speed that I was allowing myself to feel for the first time since I was 17. He says I shouldn’t look to much into that as he was drunk and remembers vaguely. But isn’t it that when one is drunk one speaks the truth?
It’s hard for me to not go on safe mode. I love him but I don’t want to get hurt if he decides to not be w/ me in the future. Maybe I’m being pessimistic but I can’t ignore what he told me that night. It’s so confusing because he asked if I would consider moving in w/ him once our leases were up. And I would consider it. The idea of being w/ him on a daily basis makes me happy BUT he has lived w/ someone before and it didn’t work out. I’d hate to take this enormous step w/ him and fail. I always said that the day I’d live w/ someone it’s because they are it for me. But what he told me that night haunts me even though he says it was nothing.
I’m not sure what to feel. Should I allow myself to keep falling more and more in love w/ him? Or should I go on safe mode/cruise control to protect my heart? Would I not be thinking these things if he had not told me what he did at my friends birthday? I’m confused now.
I will try my hardest to look past this and not let it affect my relationship w/ him. I will try to slow down but not too slow. Slow down enough to minimize my anxiety at least.
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Those of you who have followed my blog know how much I love Ms Shopaholic. Her birthday is today but we decided to surprise her last night at a restaurant in Torrance. Knowing her, she would want to make a night of it so my Englishman drove me so I could have some drinks. Ms Shopaholic has been through a lot lately. She broke up w/ her high school sweetheart who is a highly functioning alcoholic and despite her efforts to see if he would change, he didn’t. Its still fairly recent so we don’t know how this will end. But if he doesn’t get his shit together soon (which I doubt he will) Then she will be the one who got away for him. Having said that, Ms Shopaholic never feels she is the victim and keeps herself busy even going as far as starting her own side business. One of the many reasons as to why I love her.
Anyhow, we arrived at 830pm for our reservations. The bday girl arrived at 930pm. By the time she arrived we had already ordered 3 margarita pitchers and some of us were getting loud. She was pleasantly surprised to see all of her best friends in one place that she almost cried. We quickly started drinking and catching up. By the time we finished, w/ all the moms in the group you would think we would call it a night but nope, we decided to go to the local strip club. That’s what she wanted so that’s where we all headed. I have 3 groups of friends. This is a very down for the moment type of group and I guess that’s why I have been friends w/ them for more than a decade. They compliment that side of my personality. But every group is special to me in different ways :)
The strip club was nothing special. The girls were all nice to us. One of us asked if we could get Ms Shopaholic up on the stage. They agreed. They had a birthday package which allowed for this. She was escorted onstage and they sat her on a chair where all the strippers danced on her or around her. All 12 of us girls, showered them w/ dollar bills. But we were really cheering our friend on. She quickly surprised us as she got up from the chair and got on the pole and started turning on it. She knew how to work it, haha the whole club and us could not believe what we were seeing. As it ended we headed out and we all talked outside about sex like girls do for a bit. As we all said our goodbyes I looked at her and she was happy. That made me happy.
She is an angel that when you meet her, you cant help but to love her.
Happy Birthday Ms Shopaholic!!!
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We all have personality traits we may not be proud of. In my case, it was that I would always overbook myself and I should also add the fact that I would forget I had said yes to others before I was saying yes to the 2nd invitation. So one day many years ago I decided I needed to start writing things down in my calendar because I kept messing up. I believe I must have been 24 when I started this.
"Are you free on Monday?"
"Hold on. Let me check my calendar."
People would make fun of me stating that they had to book me weeks in advance which in a lot of ways was true. I am very social. Most of my friends are very social. So we tend to plan ahead of time so it worked out well for me. As time passed and I “matured” financially, my calendar has grown into its own little empire which brings me nothing but joy. So I opted to get a monthly planner. Now that I got my appointments, finances, and deadline reminders on check, I decided that this year I would go all out on my planner and I’m very happy that I did!
I bought a custom made planner from ErinCondren.com and I love it. Now I’m even more excited. Not only do I have my shit together and feel responsible, but I also have a badass planner which is all me.
My Englishman and I have been “official” since February this year, but if you ask him he will tell you it has been a year. As some of you may recall, I went through a roller coaster of emotions. When some things didn’t go my way, I bolted. I yearned for a past that wasn’t good for me. At one point not realizing at the time that in front of me was the whole package. Long story short, he didn’t give up and I came to realize on my own that I was being stupid and asked him to be my boyfriend.
This weekend marked the one year anniversary of our first date. A date that lasted 9 hours. We wanted to do something to celebrate so we decided on dinner and a movie. As I was getting ready I told him I would wear some of the jewelry he has given me since we started dating. Which I must say is a lot; including a diamond ring w/ my birthstone which he gave me for my birthday a few weeks ago. As soon as I told him this he asked me if I wanted my anniversary gift. I felt bad because I hadn’t gotten him anything. He told me not to worry. So I obliged. He gave me two sets of earrings w/ matching necklaces made of crystal from a store he keeps getting me stuff from.
So as he put my new necklace on I thought to myself, he is the one. This man is what I always wanted from my previous relationships and more. He lets me know by his actions that he wants to be w/ me. This man caters to me in every way possible. He tells me I’m beautiful everyday. He has my coffee ready for me and served at my bedside every morning we spend together. He cooks for me. He satisfies me every single time to the fullest if you know what I’m talking about. He offers to massage my feet when we are watching TV. He schedules himself around me. He wants me to be a part of his life as he shows me off to everyone he knows. And most importantly, everyone, and I mean everyone who meets him, loves him. That is very important.
What difference a year makes. I love this man and he deserves it because he treats me like a queen. I hope to be the best girlfriend I can possibly be to him and more.